The Heart of Things

There comes a time in every picture takers life where they are required to step outside of the box and try something a little different. Something that lies somewhere between the safe and mundane, and art. Few of us wanna be photographers will ever produce anything the masses will understand and love. Few of us who picked up a camera a few years ago and have very little "formal" training will ever see our pictures grace a gallery wall. And that is perfectly ok.

Even so, anytime you practice any kind of art you find yourself wanting to push the boundaries. To step outside and try something new and maybe just a little uncomfortable. Just to see what you can do.

I am lucky enough to have a friend who has a vision. She has an artists eye herself and the courage to push boundaries. And so our little boudoir session was born.

Of all the shoots I've done I can honestly say that this was probably the most fun and the scariest of all of my picture taking ventures. It is probably the first time I've ever gone into a shoot with a vision and a true story to tell. I knew going into it that these were not pictures that the majority of people would appreciate. It's a little edgy, a little raw, and a little...well, naked.

 When you are blessed such as I was with a beautiful subject and gorgeous light, it's hard not to get stunning pictures. Even if out of most everyone's comfort zones, I found a certain peace stripping the photos bare and making art for arts sake.

It's true, these will never hang on a gallery wall. It will, however, hang forever in my heart as a step towards taking chances and never allowing myself be confined by any kind of social constraints. Taking beautiful pictures of beautiful people? This is what makes my heart soar.

Losing count of the days

I started this year with a promise to myself. A promise to take a picture every single day. I failed, and for some reason (among many others, foremost that I feel like the beginning of the year was literally a lifetime ago) the failure of that alone robbed me of something magical in my picture taking. To be fair, it might have more to do with a severe lack of inspiration (I know, I know, who could not be inspired with a cute little bug like mine running around?)

The truth is that life, as she so often does, got in the way. You see, she tricked me. I have had three wonderful, beautiful, blissful years of peace. Hard earned, hard fought for, pure and simple peace. To those who have a lot of it (or none at all I suppose) this was a big deal. It filled my heart so full I felt certain it was bound to burst by the perfectness of my life.

Lest I start sounding all kinds of dramatic, let me assure you that nothing has really changed. I haven't lost anyone close to me, my little love, husband, friends, family etc are all healthy and well for the most part. To be entirely honest, I'm not sure what exactly robbed me of my peace. Maybe nothing big at all, but a million small pains and griefs, tiny (and not so tiny) pinpricks of darkness that eased (or bulldozed) their way in.

I think we all have a cloud of darkness that follows us. It stays away for the most part, slipping in and out with very little rain and heartache. But every once in a while the cloud just sticks. And sticks, and sticks. Mine seems to be trying very hard to make herself a permanent resident, but I'm too darned stubborn to let it stick.

Let me backtrack here for a second and make a few statements for those who maybe don't know me. I am not depressed. I have rarely been depressed for more than a few hours or days at a time, and I'm not even sure that was depression, just normal grief. I am a happy person 100% in love with my life.

I am a fighter. I am not a quitter. Which brings me back to the beginning of this post before my rantings started (and now that you're all quite convinced of my neurosis.) I will not quit taking pictures. I will strive to find inspiration wherever she may hide. I will force the sunshine back in, cause I'm sick and tired of the rain.

Mostly I will take every single sweet, pure moment of peace and cling to it for all its worth. Almost always that will come in the form of an amazing three year old and the man who helped me make her. Often times it will come in the form of friends who drop by with mimosas at 10am for an impromptu play dates, or those who sit for hours on the phone talking about all manner of weird, girly things, or weekly martini nights with some pretty awesome friends. (And now that you probably think I'm both manically depressed AND an alcoholic I'm thinking I should move on to some pictures). These were all taken randomly on different days with no agenda ahead of me. They were taken because some moments are so sweet, so pure, that you have to chase them and bottle them up. Sometimes it's not until we open up those bottles that the sunshine comes flooding back in. Welcome back old friend, you have been missed.

I stink

I stink at keeping up with things. I don't know what it is, but once I've started to fall behind I seem to just stay there. To be fair, I've had a very busy few months. My garden started growing and requiring a bit more care, the weather warmed up which left me with little indoor time. We went on vacation for a while, and though I definitely should have been using my camera more then I was instead soaking up some much needed family time.

Truth be told, I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. To enjoy and be any good at photography I feel that I have to be doing it 24/7. That each picture I take has to be better than the last, that I have to be doing something that's never been done before. Which is, of course, ridiculous. Not one of us has ever had an original thought. I will probably never come even close to the talent of so many photographers that I admire. I will probably never make much money from this little hobby of mine.

At the end of the day, none of this matters very much. I was bit by the photography bug, and I need to do it for my original love of the camera and nothing more. The rest will come in time if it's meant to be. I knew I couldn't stay away from my camera forever, never wanted or intended to anyways. But now I'm back. How consistently still remains to be seen, but I suppose that doesn't matter either. I've taken way more pictures than I post on here. I won't bombard the poor blog with the randomness of the past few months. Instead I will post my favorite. It's not my favorite for any real reason except that it's kind of moody and weird. How often do you get to see your three year old sitting next to a chimp anyways? Here's to months of weirdness.

{Wordless-ish Wednesday}

It's good that it's Wordless Wednesday today. I don't have a lot of words to share. We received some sad news about a friend this week and I find myself quiet and contemplative. So I'll go back to my happy place. A Monday afternoon after a hard day in the dirt, sharing wine with other dirt stained friends.

{Twilight}

Moody. Anxious. Hopeful. Delighted. A range of emotions to fit a life full of joy and uncertainty. Fear always tinged with hope. Contentment always hand in hand with anxiety. Always waiting for the peace to pass and life to settle in again. I don't know that we're ever supposed to be comfortable. It tends to mean I'm not pushing myself enough, that I'm not wading through this world looking always for the new and terrifying. It can make a girl feel slightly manic.

We toiled in the "garden" most of the week. We finished our planting yesterday, and I felt an overwhelming sense of contentment and peace. I found myself staring heavenward, savoring every second of stillness I could. I was fleetingly happy in every true sense of the word. When the Little started asking over and over what I was looking at in the sky the stillness slipped away. I was no less happy while trying to explain to the three year old that I was happy just to be alive. I think she must always be happy to be alive, because she doesn't know of any other way to be. There is no waiting for the other shoe to drop, no real fears or self doubt. She just...is. I don't know that you reach a more pure state than the state of just being. I envy her innocence.

I found myself feeling still for the rest of the day. Not overly happy, not overly sad. Just still. Waiting to see which way the pendulum will swing. I walked outside after dinner and saw the most stunningly eerie sunset. Dark black rain clouds fighting for coveted sky space with the pink of the setting sun. I often feel this way. Always the blackness hovers, waiting to dump buckets of rain on my little, simple parade. But always the pink simplicity of a setting sun beckons me to believe in the grandness of life.

This is the magic of twilight to me. Shadows and light playing peek a boo, mere seconds hanging in the balance as day fades into night. One second brilliantly bright, the next inky darkness. But oh the beauty of the magic in between.

{Wordless Wednesday}

What better way to usher in the Spring than by buying a super cute, vintage convertible? Love this season, love this car, super love this man.

Don't forget to head over to Project Alicia to see what others are up to this Wednesday, or link up yourself!  

I have been much absent. Much remiss. My very few fans have probably not noticed my absence, but I have missed it. This is why I've chosen to make this Wordful Wednesday instead. I am way overdue. Spring has sprung in a glorious way here. The Mr. and I have been working furiously on our landscaping. We're like scurrying mice in the fall, scurrying to make our hoards last through the winter. Except we are the exact opposite of scurrying winter mice. We are vigorously trying to shake off the glum of winter. It was a tough winter, but the spring reminds me yet again why winter is so necessary. We can't begin to truly appreciate beauty without the lack thereof.

Who could not love these scrumptious colors? So beautiful, so natural and pure that even my little couldn't resist it. It makes my heart hum and sing. Life is a beautiful thing. Leaves will always fall from the trees, flowers will always lose their blooms. Life will always kick and poke and prod, hoping to grind you back to the earth. But Spring will always come again.

Happy Spring.